How the hell do you say ''Me too'' in Spanish
That's when I realized. I'm in a French restaurant in England struggling to speak a third language. And someone has been holding my hand for the past 10 minutes.
How did I end up here?
Last Thusday 4.55pm
After yet another deep anxiety attack I came up to the conclusion that I could either go to sleep for the next year and a half so I stop over thinking my feelings for the friend I'm (not ?) dating or go to work in 4minutes and 59 seconds.
If only I could just stop crying and telling my bestfriend ( who is also my boss) how messed up I am.
'' Are you or are you NOT attracted to him?''
'' I love him yeah. What's physical attraction anyway?''
'' You should go and see a shrink Annabelle.''
Now THAT helped.
Ok I'll go to work.
'' You're not yourself tonight'' says mister dymanite as I walked in to work. He was playing loud music and everyone was happy. Even Dwight was here, drinking Malibu , pretending to be a gay English man from Briiiighton daaaarlin.
And I was depressed.
Let's think practical. How did I use to deal with situations like that when I was traveling. This depression thingy cannot be possibly worse than fearing for your life in the malaysian jungle everyday for 10 days. What did I use to do?
Let go. Trust Life.
Why not try to apply that here. I can't obvisously make decisions for myself so I'm going to let life do it.
I officially decided I was not in charge of me anymore.
Good luck Life.
A few hour later I was pole dancing with Dwight and other people in the doggiest pub in town. ( the kind of place that tries to cover the smell of vomit with 1 pound vodkas)
I also spontaneously gave my number to a total stranger at the hostel. Just because he wanted to practice his french Don't ask me why I did that I have now idea.
Drunk? Not even. I decided I was not in charge of me , remember ?
Because I PERSONNALLY would never have done that . Quick passport check ( I love my job). Date of birth 1984. No I would definitely NEVER have done that.
'' So you're attracted to him or not''
'' Which one?''
Dear God. Did I just say which one. Is that what we call a mid life crisis or what?
'' Your English friend. The one you had a date with last week end remember? ''
No THAT again. What is physical attraction anyway. ( Yes, Life... What the hell is it?)
That's when I bump into him. The guy I gave my number to last night. Mister 1984.
He's a guest at the hostel. He's like STARING at me. I giggle and try to say something but it's not working.
'' Go and tell him he 's late to check out'' I say to my colleague , hinding behind the bar.
'' Since when YOU don't want to talk to people''
'' He's staring at me and it makes me feel super embarrassed and giggly . What is it?
'' Physical attraction''
WHAT???? Is that it???? So if you don't have that strange feeling for someone it's......
'' called friendship''
The past 15 years of my life flashed before my eyes.....
I had some truths to say. To the last friend I possibly have already lost. So I sent an awkward email. That's what I do best ( and never works)
'' But he's a stranger. I can't possibly feel that for a stranger I don't KNOW him'' I tell my 20 something friends.
They were staring at me , speechless . Because 1/ they have strangers for breakfast ( When they don't kick them out of bed when the Sun rises)
because 2/ ME saying that, was totally weird.
Me. The one who talks to strangers like they're my best friends, me. The one who's been round the world twice by herself relying on strangers on a daily basis, me. The one who has a home and pretend family members in 4 countries around the world.
How can I possibly think THAT about a stranger ????
I remember reading a book called ''the kindness of strangers'' It's a collection of short stories about travellers who , at were at some point stuck in their lives and who decided to trust total strangers to help them. It turns out they always did. Help them.
And I'm not in charge of me anymore anyway. I'll go where life takes me.
Just like when I was travelling. Because in the end. Aren't all, always travelling?
Last Monday night
'' I feel like I've known you for years '' he tells me in a very attractive Spanish accent.
True. I forgot I didn't know him for a bit.
'' yo también '' I answered proudly after 10 long seconds
That's how you say ''me too'' in Spanish.
If you think THIS is cheesy wait until I try to say '' you've got beautiful eyes'' after a glass of bubbly right before dessert.
Yeah. I'm usually DRUNK when I speak spanish. The cool thing is that he DOES NOT know that. He's a stranger.
Like he doesn't know I'm a hopeless cook. So when I invited him over for dinner at my place I was the ONLY one thinking ''ARE YOU KIDDING ME?''
But no, I wasn't kidding me this time.
Even people at the next table noticed . They must still be talking about it.
Tonight 7.00 pm
I'd better stop writing and go get the food from the next door take away restaurant . And get rid of the boxes. To make it look like a ''REAL'' dinner.
Yes, we should really give more credit to strangers.
Because they probably are the only ones we can love for who they really are.
Because nothing we know is in the way .