'' Trust in God and keep your powder dry''

Yes it's been a while dear readers.

I usually write a post when I learn a lesson in life ,like a cheap psychotherapy with the coolest shrinks ever ( you). This time, the lesson took a while to be learnt. About 3 weeks actually.

Damn Am I that slow.

I discovered the term ''life lessons'' while traveling. Obviously.

When you're traveling you absolutely have no idea what you're doing or where you're going next. So you write about what you DID. Because that's the only you can be sure of. So ,obvisouly you learn a lot.

You spend your time out of comfort zone, not knowing. But you still do stuff anyway and follow this little voice inside you that some people call intuition. Other people call it God . Sorry mate , no offense but i will just call it ''the traveller's voice'' okay?

When you don't think that you and your little ego know better, you follow your traveller's voice.

When I followed my traveler's voice it was always very random and always for the best. That's how I found a job in a cafe in Australia and moved in with a stranger who became my best friend over there, that's how , in Thailand I followed a 61 year old British guy to a hotel in the middle of nowhere. We almost became family to each other after a few hours.

My favorite random moment was when we went riding pink bikes waving at Thai kids in some random village. No ,we had no idea where we were . That's why we were happy.

How random is that. My traveller's voice is so much cooler than me. I , personally would have never done that!

That's why we miss traveling so much when we stop . It's not because of the Eiffel Tower, Sydney Harbour or Air Asia dinners. Because when we stop traveling we usually stop listening to our traveller's voice.

And we start thinking that WE know better.

My first 2 months back in my normal life in Brighton were great ( yes, i'm aware that normal and Brighton don't really go together well) .

I was still listening to my traveller's voice most days and really appreciated Life for what it really was. Fun and unpredictable.

That's how I ended up getting to know the guests at the hostel, hang out with them ( because they're not just guests they are REAL people too). That's how I made a meditation buddy and convinced a guy from the South of France to stay in England ( How random is that???)
and do silly things such as dating an old friend or make out with a complete stranger in a french restaurant in Brighton. Yeah. The Spanish dude. That one.

I was probably having too much fun. Life was probably too easy. It's weird to NOT have real problems in your normal life right?

Or I thought I knew better.

Well anyway That's when I started to take my life into my own hands and stop listening to THE voice.

Of course I know better. Travelling voice? Overrated. I know MY life ,my routine , I live in it thank you.

That 's when it started going wrong. I was back in control.

1/ Spanish dude disappeared into thin air and never called back after that dinner I did not cook ( I still think he got kidnapped and is currently held hostage in a foreign country hoping I will find him one day and pay the ransom. Yes I started saving)

2/ I decided to do a 10day body detox to be fully in control of myself and my life. And I stopped everything that makes me who I am. Aka Coffee and booze.

'' You know it's not recommended to do a detox while you're working Annabelle?'' my friend said

'' I did it on a 10 day meditation retreat in Thailand, love. This one is going to be easy. Trust me , I know what I’m doing ''

Bloody French. How much more arrogant can you get.

I started thinking about suicide on Day 9. People at work did not know what to do to make me feel better.

'They even tried the ' Do you want to go for coffee?'' line. It made me cry even more. Thank you for your support anyway guys. Really appreciate it.

Day 10 I had 2 coffees . My heart still remembers it.

Day 11 I got massively drunk ( 1 pint and a half) and I felt free again. When you are drunk you tend to hear THE voice better (until you ve had too much and start destroying everything you ve ever had)

3/ I decided my job no longer fulfilled me. I would randomly cry feeling completely empty without any reason. In 2 weeks I got sent home twice. I may have lost my best friend's friendship and my workmates are asking how I feel every minutes. I think they even considered putting anti depressant in my coffee. Control over my Life 100%. Dignity left 2%

So no, this job was not for me anymore.

I was very sad.

And Of course my next shift was the best in my life, and I was such in a happy mood I even got told that I was a natural at the job.

Very Happy.

Who needs an inner voice when you have emotions that control you like a damn robot.

Getting out of bed in the morning was getting harder and harder. Life was getting more and more predictable in my own little head.

There is nothing worse than thinking you know how your day is going to unfold.

9 to 5 bed 9 to 5 bed.

Yep, it's the same Life I had a month ago. And yes, that's a different attitude.

I'm in control now.

Thankfully every now and then I had glimpses of ‘‘lucidity’’ and still had my random moments.

Thank God ( or Traveller’s voice)

Example? When I dressed up as a drunk zombie English girl for Halloween with Union Jack contact lenses ( how cool is that) and ended up pole dancing somewhere in Brighton.

Or when me and some friends went see some fireworks in Lewes on the occasion of Guy Fawkes night.

What is it? Even the Brits don’t know what they 're really celebrating on the 05th of November.

We asked the question to some random English drunks on the train and I loved the fact that they were confused over the reason why they were celebrating it. Was it was because the dude who tried to kill the King failed and the monarchy is still standing or were they celebrating because someone actually TRIED to kill the king…. That's a tough one mate.

So yeah. The 5th OF November is really random in the UK.

Random is really what I needed that night. After waiting 2 and half hour to get a train to Lewes , a quiet little village that expected only 40 000 people that night we get there.

Who is we? 5 Frenchies, 1 South African, 2 Aussies, 1 Spanish that I always call Pedro and it's absolutely not his name , poor guy and Brit who hasn’t realised he’s back home yet.

There we were, travellers in Limbo celebrating British monarchy drinking French beer.

Of course most our conversations were about travelling, non commitments and ever changing moods.

They still have no idea. Where they are going , What they are doing and what career might be good for them. But they knew how to enjoy each other’s company. That's what we learn at traveling school. The importance of being together in the moment( and not get married after )

The answer to most questions that night was '' I don't know mate, I don't know'' .

It suddenly felt like home.

I DON'T KNOW EITHER.

Relief.

10 minutes later I realised I was close to winning the gold medal of uncertainty.

Right before I '' lost my mind'' and took control of my life I had booked a single ticket to Australia on my credit card . For Xmas. Just like that... Crazy huh?

What I'll be doing after Xmas?

I don't know mate, I don't know....

Then I remembered. How good it is to NOT KNOW. No anticipation , no expectation.

FREEDOM.

Risky? Maybe. Still better than thinking you figured it all out though ( no anti depressant with my coffee thanks)

'' Trust in God and keep your powder dry''

That was what sign me and Dwight both saw at the same time in the crowd later that night. For some reason it made a lot of sense to us.

Be prepared and save your resources until they are needed.

And don’t think you’re in control .

Because you’re not.

Not really anyway.