Just be you

'' If you like him, let him pay. Guys love to do that''
'' What? Not but he 's a friend you see... ''

That's when I realized who I was talking to. Strangers. Who were checking in to the hostel.

Yes I was at work. Hellooooooooo .

How did I exactly tell them I was going on a date that night in the 1 and half minute I've known them will always be a mystery but they gave me the best piece advice ever.

It ended up in a big hug and a '' good luck darling . Just be you ''

I love the Brits.

Did I tell them breakfast was included?

Damn.

I go home and mister Dynamite had left me a note in a love heart shaped post it.
'' Have fun , just be you. Love you'

What's with '' just be you''? I never got that. Does that mean you can be a nasty bitch on the 1st evening so they know what they get into? Or not shave your legs because you are going to give up in 3 months from now anyway (if all goes well)?

JUST BE YOU. No, still does not make sense to me.

Anyway. Dating a friend is fun. You don't have to introduce awkward things about you over dinner you because they ALREADY KNOW everything awkward about you.

1. He knows my ex and I know his ex.
2. We know what the other wants in a relationship because we ve spent years fighting over each other's view of that damn thing called Love.
3. He read your blog

The most difficult is to NOT talk about 1 , 2 or 3. And NOT mention any ex's name ( no , not even at the most awkward time . HA.HA.)

'' You said in your blog... ''

Damn.

Of course I'm NOT following what I am writing. Don't be silly. My wisdom is for OTHER people. That's when he told me he was also writing a book about all the crazy women he's ever had in his life.

No pressure mate, no pressure.

Dating a friend is a lot of fun. You can go straight to the point :

‘’Scared?’’

‘’Terrified’’

‘’ So, what are you having? I’d go for the fish, you?’’

A bottle of wine later I was too drunk to send a text to my friend asking if you had to be sober to be you.

Yes. He did pay.

Yes it did go very well.

Then … There was another day.

When did it become so scary.

When did my friend turn into that monster who is going to steal hours of my life?

It was way more fun when the other person did not actually like me. I could blame him for my insecurities. Now, WHO am I going to blame? I'd rather relocate somewhere in Africa, throw my mobile in a river and live with elephants for the rest of my life. And obviously never talk to him again.

Damn.

When did I become an ENGLISH MAN?

'' How are you?''
'' I'd rather be on a plane to the other side of the planet right now'

And that was just the beginning of ME panicking. The 2 hours that followed were even more interesting. Although I ended up saying '' one day we' ll laugh about it'' , that day had obviously not arrived yet.

'' So you're talking yourself out of this, right? '' He said.

Damn why do I have to go on dates with people who know me so well.

Living in the Malaysian jungle and checking my bed every night for deadly scorpions? Way easier than this situation.
Landing in a new country with only 200 Australian dollars and have no idea where to spend the next month and a half? easier.
Driving my 26 year old car on the left side of the road in the rain drunk and lost in Australia ? Easy

'' So how was it?'' my friends all asked me as I walk into work that day.

They hadn't seen my face yet.

'' Oh shit what went wrong?'' they asked, ready to say '' Bastard''
''Me. I am an English man.''

Of course no one told me what I wanted to hear. They did not even buy my theory on animals as the smartest race because they never worry about that '' JUST BE YOU'' bullshit.

'' Stop YOUR bullshit Annabelle''

What did they do? What they do best. Take the piss.

They forced me to listen to the '' top 50 romantic songs'' of the past 20 years during cleaning.
3 long hours of '' my heart will go on'' and '' I will always love you'' .

Yes I did have to sing along.

''Annabelle what's wrong? you're not yourself '' people asked me for 2 long days.

Can we just stop calling me names??? THANKS.

I was too busy at work anyway. One of our guests went missing. She left her stuff on the bed along with a book which title was '' How to build a time machine''
We simply assumed that she went time travelling and would show up sometime (seems like a normal day in Brighton anyway)

I then was slightly tempted to build one myself.

So I could go back to the day I started thinking that I had to lose myself when I meet someone or travel to a possible future when I'd be in a house with 2 dogs watching travel shows eating cookies and wondering what I ve done with my life.

'' Mate, YOU are the traveller, remember? '' I'd say to my future non self.

'' Ah yes, Thanks''

And I would pack up my stuff and go. Like I always did.

So what's the point if I know how it's going to end?

What? Change ATTITUDE ? What do you mean?

JUST BE YOU

Don't be silly I know how to be ME thank you.

Sure. When the relationship is over or when my husband is gay and 20.

You know I'm in total denial of my real problems when my facebook status is about 1/ the weather (I'm an English man remember) 2/ food ( I'm a French woman remember)

After 13 hours sleep and 3 hours of staring at the ceiling I realized that Ooops I did it again .

My lovely self was gone somewhere in the past or in the future.

Try the present for once darling.

He had sent 2 emails. Of course I did not reply ( I’m such an English man)
Time to do so.

What would I answer if I was MYSELF .

Something like :

Update :

I sleep 12 hours a day . Work , eat and stare at the ceiling the rest of the time.
My dear self is gone somewhere to be healed. Without it I can't write , communicate or even make any sense ( worse than usual. Imagine)
It will come back asap to answer your cute , hilarious , lovely email.
Hopefully.
I kind of miss myself too. It 's been a couple of days now.
It always comes back at some point though.
Will let you know.
Might get some more sleep.

Love

Ax

PS : Am I in your book yet.


And if I was myself I would write every single detail about this story in a blog so the whole world can laugh about how crazy our insecurities are.
If I was myself I’d tell him how much I love him (because I do tell everyone else)
If I was myself I would live for today and give ANYTHING a go.

Sounds cool hey? I start smiling again. Wow.

That’s when my best friend texted me about his tactic for his next date.

My answer?

JUST. BE. YOU.


Because being anyone else sucks.