Friday, 9 March 2012

Letter to Julia G

Dear Julia G.,

I have decided to write to you about the end of my visa in 13 days before I go on hunger strike ( ie only live on wine) like any normal French person would do or make an attempts go on the show '' Please marry my boy'' to find a desperate 30+ Aussie who' d be ready to marry a French girl with a British accent who can only cook crepes and sometimes burn them ( I can also saw someone's name on a handkerchief and I can prove it)

Julia, Please Keep me.

I'm not that arrogant for a French person ( I'm not from Paris) I'm now as easy going as an Aussie ( but still take politics seriously, unlike the Aussies)

Like all Australians I didn't like the movie Australia but like all French women I watched it 3 times anyway. (for Hugh Jackman)

I can say ''G'day mate'' in a perfect Aussie accent , I wear thongs and almost answer '' New South Wales '' in a French accent ( ‘’new soos walz’’ ) to the question where are you from. I cry when people ask me if I’m from Paris.

I can sing the Australian national anthem by heart and can remember 2 whole lines when I 'm sober. It's the other way round with the French one ( and I 'm drunk most of the time)

I enjoy Australian wine as much as French wine. I have even caught myself calling one of your sparkling wines Champagne one day ( WOW). If you let me stay I would even drink a full glass of white goon to celebrate.

I still don't understand cricket but it is still more enjoyable to watch than a game of soccer where Italy cheats against the French.

I have given up asking people why 2 dollar coins are smaller than one dollar coins and accepted reality as it was : I have no idea what is a Euro coin looks like.

I woke up at 3am to go to the ANZAC day ceremony in the next village. Believe me, I would never do that in my country. No one would , since we have so many of them we can't really remember if we're celebrating people who fought the war or another day off.

I love reading about Australian history. It only takes a couple of hours and then you can go to the beach. I can't remember what happened between the middle ages and now in Europe so I ask the Australians. THEY know.

I prefer a hot Christmas to a white Christmas; I can't really remember New Years since I was too drunk but if you let me stay I'm sure I will love it.

In Australia I volunteer in a primary school where I teach little kids how to read in a French accent and how not to cook. In my country I would never do that for free .I have to pay for the visits to the shrink.

I got myself an Aussie flag for Australia Day. If you do that on Bastille Day in France you're a bloody racist.

Julia, Please Keep me.

I sort of know how to use a barbie, I can now help with setting a tent up (by taking pictures and serve coffees). In France a Barbie is a blond doll with big boobs and camping is for Bogans.

I love watching Aussie news. 2 minutes about politics and the rest about the weather and sharks. In France the sharks are the politicians and politics takes 3/4 of the news.
The last bit is about how bad the weather is except in the South which is full of Aussie tourists.

Australian men can catch deadly animals with their bare hands. French men need gloves to cut cheese.

Julia, please keep me.

I can be in the same room as a spider for more than 3 minutes without crying , shouting or panicking but I still could not do that with Sarkozy.

I never said anything bad about your haircut ( or maybe once or twice but because it looked REALLY weird) and I can say that you look better and taller than the guy at the head of my country ( even without his high heels)

I wrote about 50 blog posts about Australia and one about France. I'm a writer. Didn't I tell you? Let me stay and I will tell the world that there is more to Australia than snakes, spiders and backpacker murderers.... or maybe I won’t. There are too many bloody tourists over here already anyway don't you think?

I should not have to say all this, Julia. Because we’re all the same in the end. We all want to be happy and should be able to do it anywhere we want without writing a letter denying our own origins ( who would do that anyway, that's ridiculous )

We're all citizens of the same world. But you're right. I should not say that too loud. Because What would that make YOU ?

Useless... But wouldn't it be a relief for you?
You guys politicians could at last stop trying to pretend you know what you're doing

Then we can all go to the beach ( or to Paris) and do what we love without ever questioning the word '' Freedom '' again.

Now how cool would THAT be, Julia?

Best regards, mate


PS : I love your new hair colour.

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