Monday, 5 March 2012

That's the Spirit...

Spirit 1/ self , inner being , soul
2/ ghost , phantom , spectre.

Yes , here I am looking up the word '' spirit’’ in a dictionary, trying to make sense of my Life. Follow you spirit they say. definition 1 and 2 are not entirely satisfactory.
I'm going to go for 3/

3/ strong liquor

I've been told recently that more and more people are currently realising that we are actually made of 3 different things :

1/ A body . Girls : Don't say I put on 5 kilos. Say My body put on 5 kilos. It makes a hell of a difference because YOU can have more of that cake over there.

2/ A mind . the logical part of us, the thinking bit. The common sense. No, I can't say more about the mind because I ve lost it a while ago.

3/ A spirit. Still looking that one up. That's usually known as the feeling telling you '' Mate, there is MORE to Life'' . Feeling that you can or can't shut up according to how hard you can try ignoring it.

I can't ( obviously). Because I would ( sometimes)

Make it a book, call it '' Eat Pray Love'' or '' into the wild'' and following your Spirit will make sense to EVERYONE. Make it your Life and it does not even make sense to YOU. ( Let alone other people)

And here you are , with zero money, no flight out of Australia ( visa due to end in less than 20 days) , looking up the word '' Spirit'' in the dictionary in Murwillumbah's library , sitting right next to the '' dangerous species '' section ( which is scarily big by the way)

I would like to have an answer : What the hell am I doing all this for????

The thing is when you live a life that is no longer governed by your logical mind and when you made a conscious choice to listen to that voice ( call it intuition if you're freaked out by the idea of a voice. I am.) , you have ABSOLUTELY no idea what you're doing.

When you start following your Spirit ( intuition , heart , love , guts, strong liquor, you name it) your Life makes sense RETROSPECTIVELY. Things happen to me and THEN I understand why. Life as we don't know it. Yeah, that one. Apparently it gets better when you get used to it ( ask Jesus )

Like for example , I am just making sense NOW of what happened to me LAST YEAR.
So when people ask me now that I hit the big zero money :

'' Annabelle , what is it you WANT to do NOW????! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A PLAN ''

I freeze.

Recently, I've decided that the best answer to that is :
'' I WILL TELL YOU NEXT YEAR'' ( if the end of the world hasn't happened)

Yes, it takes guts to follow you Spirit when you absolutely have NO idea where it takes you. But what would even take ME more guts , is to stop.
I've tried to stop, yes .Why? to finally make sense again. Have a routine , know what I'm doing. It did make sense. To other people. Not to me or no for long anyway. D'oh.

Did I tell you how much I like making sense to other people? To send the right message?
You're gonna laugh. Because obviously THE OPPOSITE happened recently.

In the last 20 days I was the ''wanna be girlfriend who gives no space'' to a guy , then I went woofing and I was a '' drug addict hippie'' for mentionning the words '' community'' trust'' '' sharing'' to the family I was staying with ( who needs connection more than free food and accommodation these days? Hippies. Sure)
Then my best friend reminded me that I could not really complain or ask anyone for money because I was that backpacker having fun out there drinking coffees on the beach when everyone else is working their ass off. SURE.
Other friends emailed me that now that I've wasted 4 years of my Life and it was time to go back to France to find a REAL job.
So I decided to do a teacher training course , to make more sense to my friends, my family so I don't lose their love and respect ( and maybe later, it will also make sense to ME, if I'm lucky, who knows .)

My family? They just refused to lend me money to go on that teacher training course in Thailand because they think it's a scam. They saw it on telly. D'oh. Money from loving family = zero.

So much for making sense to others. D'oh.

Wait til I tell them I'm also a psychic. ( just kidding i'm gay. Just kidding I'm really a psychic)

If it was not for what people I love think about me and what I'm doing , I'd be damned happy.

Because in the last 20 days, I ALSO

helped an amazing lady through cancer ( who ended up helping ME because I was broke. She took me dancing , cooked for me and made me laugh again) , stayed with an awesome guy who told me so much about Aussie culture I now feel like I was born here , I worked with great people at the Red Cross ( yeah for free) who gave me my first ever expensive branded clothes in my whole Life ( isn't it ironic) , I had an awesome picnic with a smart sensitive Aussie man who happened to have read my blog and wanted to meet up with me ( it is sort of weird to go for lunch with a stranger you know nothing about but who knows ALL your fuck ups in the past year because he's read them all online. No , he did NOT invite me over to his place. This one knew better.)

I found out I could not live with people who don't share the same values as me ( and only tried to fit in for 5 days before I freed myself again. Major improvement)

I met great French people who also have travel fuck ups that are worth a good laugh, I flew back to North New South Wales where all my friends were as happy to see me that I was to see them ( very) and had free coffees from an Italian man who owes me a '' Life Time of free coffees'' .

I am being looked after every single day by my amazing friend and her little boy who calls me family. I also teach little Aussie kids ( yeah for free) how to read english in a real Aussie primary school (excited) . Me, the one with a totally f**** up accent .A weird mix of Brit, French and russian ( so I ve been told) . Imagine how those poor 6 year old kids will end up speaking.

I went and run my friends B and B ( yes, for money) for the week end and had them help me about my situation. They suggested
1/ sell a kidney in Bangkok.
2/ go to French Polynesia and claim benefits.

My Spirit has not let me know about what's coming next. It never does. All I know for now is that I don't choose my Life, my Life chooses ME.

I have today 100 Australian dollars in my name, have no idea what's coming next, I’m 33 years old in 2 days , my Life has never been such a mess but it never felt so right..........

But how can I make sense to other people ?????

Elizabeth Gilbert and Christopher Mc Candless did it. So... for people to understand me, Do I have to 1/ marry a guy called Felipe 2 / be found dead in the snow ? ( Thank God I’m in Oz)

Sounds interesting.

Damn I did it again. Wanting people's approbation........ I've had a Life time of '' what will the neighbours think'' so excuse me for caring.

As a friend reminded me recently : France was nominated 10 times at the Oscars for a silent movie... It can only mean one thing : The French make more sense when they shut up... and everyone loves it.

Can't wait to try that one out.

Shut up and follow your spirit. We don't need to know anf let know what we're doing.... in the end, we just need to know WHY we're doing it.

So I will end this post with some other guy's words. A guy I deeply admire because I know what he's been going through to be able to say that the other day , on his facebook status:

‘’ Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Act because you need to act ‘’ PAOLO COELHO

1 comment:

  1. As to the 'why' I had this thought the other day: very often I have been told that men needed a lot of attention for what they have done and that they needed a lot of approval to feel accepted, loved and like real men. Given that in our culture we call God 'Him', I suppose he made some of us just so that there is someone in this world simply looking at all the beauty that He created and not get distracted from it with great jobs, families or even partners. A zoo would be nothign without visitors, right ? Does that make sense ? No... ?? Oh, well.......
    AND: Don't ever compare yourself to Chris McCandless - he was a severely traumatized kid without good, close people in his life but his sister. You don't want to go down that road............