Sunday, 25 September 2011

It all started with brown bread...

'' 'It all started with brown bread' . That's how you should call your blog post for today. suggested my colleague in despair, surrounded by tons of rubbish , dirty linen and cleaning products . It was 12 and we only had 2 hours to clean a whole hostel.

All she wanted was to sit in a corner and cry, all I wanted was to lie down and stare at the ceiling. The rubbish bag in my right hand just broke and I could see the past 24h of the previous guests scattered all over the floor. Believe me you don't want to know what they were up to.

We were late , stressed , tired and yet what was SHE worrying about? My next blog post. How cute is that. I'm going to call her Cutie until I find a more suitable nickname for her.


'' Where's the damn key for the linen cupboard???"

That's fine J'Bo 's got them.

Cool why was I worried then?

Maybe because he is NOT working today and is not picking up his damn phone.

That's going to be a fun day.

The day had started well. None of the staff was hungover. It has never happened since.... Actually it has NEVER happened .

No weirdos for breakfast , even the hen party was nice. The bride to be was wearing sunglasses and still had her evening clothes on ( with a a huge L pinned to her back) but she was in a very good mood .

We had no bunch of guys having beer for breakfast.

Yes, all was well in Kipps Brighton...

Until we ran out of Brown Bread.

'' I can't eat white bread you see. I need brown ''

Ok ok. That's me running to the nearest supermarket at 9am . Near but far enough for my shoes to completely break into pieces ( Aussie shoes. They could not cope with the weather) .

Not only was I queuing for ever ( Britain's finest art) but the machine gave me change in 5p coins ( about 20 of them )

I Proudly came back with my bread and 1 shoe on.

'' Actually we don't need it thank you, White bread was just fine . We 're on our way out. See you ! ''

SURE..... ( smile)

let's have a cuppa tea to calm down . No single clean cup left.

'' they all came at once'' says Cutie whom I could barely see behind the pile of dirty dishes.

Yes we do the washing up here. when we are NOT running around with one shoe buying brown bread.

That's going to be a fun day.

We finally got the key to the cupboard. But it was time to play musical beds and find every one somewhere to stay tonight. That's me in Superhero mode. Saving the world is my job.

'' That's the manager's job''

'' So what?'' I say , not understanding.

'' So it's not you... anymore''

This is going to be a fun day.

Who did not cancel this group on the system? Who called this woman and said that her bed would be cancelled if she did not turn up when the booking was made for her daughter who has been here for 3 days. ( that one was me actually) She almost called the cops thinking her daughter was gone missing. Lovely.

And THAT was just before we even started cleaning.

In Kipps Brighton you know you re stressed when , instead of topping up the coffee in the double rooms you DRINK it. Instead of dusting the TV screen you WATCH it. Instead of dragging the vaccum cleaner it drags YOU.

When the phone rings you want to say f***** off instead of Kipps Brighton hello how can I help ?! ( second one being VERY hard to say when you are a French person)

After 2 hours of '' we can make it , just breathe'' and help from a German angel who was not even working that day , the hostel was spotless and smelt of a delicate breeze of air freshener. Right on time. As usual.

That's when we can start our real job : making people feel at home. And we all do it so well. So well that the guests had no idea that we were all dead in the inside

I left at 4pm with a choice : walking home barefoot or wearing a random oversized pair of flip flops from the lost and found box ( and risk verucas)

'' That's it. I'm done. I'm going home to my 20 year old gay husband. I say proudly with an exhausted look on my face wearing my size 43 shoes.

Home sweet home.

My ideal night : watch telly and moan about my day to my best friend on the phone. We should change this and that and that too. Go to bed at 9.30pm, wake up at 3 am and start yelling at the drunks outside my window.. Wake up at 6 am again to the sweet sound of seaguls.

My actual night : Got home to my flatmate who sat me down and made me listen to Canadian love songs until I stopped stressing him with my bad vibes.

'' This English guy texts me right. WHAT do I reply?'' he asks me.

What ? He's asking ME for advice with Brits?

Just say '' S.E.X?" so he's got a good reason to run a mile. Or not.

'' Mmmm Sorry you might not be the best person to ask for advice here. ''

Thank you darling. I feel a lot better now.

Then he took me for a ''slow'' jog. All I saw for an hour was the back of him. All I could hear was bystanders taking the piss out of that cougar woman trying to run after that hot 20 year old .

At least I found his new nickname '' mister Dymanmite. ( way better that Justin Bieber) and we had so much fun.

And Mister Dynamite is also a chef. Thank God I found a new person to cook for me ( Pip I will still love you forever though) . The fact that I was a gluten free vegeterian intolerant to lactose did not even bother him. yay.

9pm. Good time for some telly and do nothing. I thought.

One hour later I was drinking tequila shots with my young friends in a club nearby. We even got refused the entrance to the first one since some of my girl friends looked too straight ( I was fine for some reason. Should I meditate over that )

Yes , In Brighton you get refused in nightclubs for being STRAIGHT

Darling. Get real. There is no such thing as straight guys anyway. Just guys who don't know yet ( Thank God for us girls)

And I met a guy too .

34, hot, single.and .... British . Asked for my phone number 10 minutes after I met him , got me 2 drinks. Who said British guys were complicated?

Of course he is G.A.Y and was outrageously kissing one of my male friends on the dance floor a couple of minutes later.

But hey, he's sooo much fun. And I 'm pretty sure this one will text back. Wanna bet.
And then another hot one asked me if could carry MY babies. This is the cutest thing I've ever heard mate.
So it all started with browm bread. And ended in a nighclub aith gay boyfriends

Because You only know where Life really wants to take you if you just let it... flow.

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