My manager is 20.
My work mates are slightly older ( shame on them)
I feel like I was born in the 18th Century and woke up last week.
You know you don't take responsibilty for your age when you hesitate more than 2 seconds to answer the question
'' How old are you ? ''
I usually say '' younger than Lee''. It makes me feels better.
So yeah , I feel like I've been asleep for about 185 years.
What? We don't buy fish tanks anymore nowadays ?
No. We buy a DVD.
Just select Menu... Aquarium, fish noise and there you are. Finding Nemo or saving Willy . It saves to feed the fish and you also have the log fire option for Winter.
Where have I been the past 10 years.
So of course on my first evening shift back I pretended to be 20 and know it all.
'' You guys go out, mummy can handle this''
Why is that thing ringing? it's a digital PHOTO ALBUM. Is it REALLY supposed to be an ALARM CLOCK too? And why 9pm? Probably to wake ME up. It was 10 minutes past my bed time anyway.
So... what would a 20 year old do in this case? Touch the screen. That's it.
After 2 long minutes of pure laughter the other staff decided to tell me.
'' You know there is an on and off switch...right?''
Then came the reminders by email. There is a Google reminder for everything nowadays. Forgot to breathe? Ask Google to remind you.
'' Charge the electric sweeper''
mmm what? Is that the thing we used to call a vacuum cleaner?
NO it's an electric SWEEPER. aaaaaaaaaah okay I understand better now.
Kipps 2.1 . That's where I was.
Annabelle 0.1. That's who I was.
'' Can we please have another key to our room ''Madame?'' says one of our french regulars.
So you're talking to me right? M.A.D.A.M.E...... You know I kicked people out of this hostel for less than that?
I had to do something
32 going on 23...
So what do ''youngsters'' do nowadays. ( When you start calling them youngsters it can only go wrong)
How did I know I was doing well? I gained 6 Facebook friends in 6 days.
It's all about attitude.
What do you do when you wake up and there's a drunk English guy sleeping on your living room floor? You take a picture , put it on Facebook , make your coffee and go back to your room. Of course.
If I know him? Actually yeah. He's a friend.
How did he get the keys? They get passed around. In 6 days I shared the flat with 2 German girls , a Spanish dude and my English best friend. How much fun.
It's all about attitude.
But I had yet to make up for my lack of new technology knowledge. SO I bought a smart phone.
Buying it was already an adventure.
'' I want that one'' . I say to the guy pointing towards a million phones
'' You mean the Alcatel OT-980, madam?''
50 quid later ( yeah I can't eat this week but that's the choice a 20 year old would make right?
Smartphone VS surviving.... Food is SO last year.
So there I was , proudly holding my first piece of 21st century. I sat in the shopping centre for 30 minutes, playing with my new apps, going on facebook. How cool is that.
What 's my number? BECAUSE IT'S ALSO A PHONE? aaaaaaaah. No idea.
I finally gave up and called my hungover best friend so he can give me my new name. 07 something I believe.
The next day? I had no credit left. Who did I call? No one... Damn 3G ....
And how do you stop the bloody alarm anyway. So at 6 am you have to select menu , alarm , snooze. Seriously. Next time I'll buy one that picks up my voice '' Stop that bloody noise or I'll throw you out of the fucking window''
To be a perfect 20 year old in England you HAVE to wear a tiny mini skirt in the cold and rain. That's how you pass the '' party animal test''
So I did.
3 tequilas later I was dancing ON the bar at my work place with a hot gay Spanish guy drinking from the bottle. Who was filming? My boss. He can blackmail me for ever now. And it's just my first week back. Beat me , you youngsters.
Well I passed the test. Until I realized that there was no test. Just me thinking I was different. They always thought I was cool. In my own way.
We're all the same in the end. 20's, 30's , 40's.
Because guess what '' youngsters'' , it does not stop when you reach 30. That shit you feel. You just learn to deal with it .
After 30 you still wait for that guy you like to reply to your emails.
'' If he stops liking your facebook status that's it Dude. Move on''
Of course. Where have I been the past 10 years.
Yeah you need them , the 20 year olds. Just as they need you to listen to them , to make them feel secure because you bloody know what it's like not to be.
Because yes, after 30 you are still insecure. But you cover it up. You are still scared to wait for that text message that will never come. So You just don't buy a phone..... So you don't have to expect that there will be no text message. So you don't feel rejected. Twisted?
I can't wait to be 40.
That's when you need your 20 year olds to remind you '' Or you can just buy a phone and NOT give HIM the number''
That makes sense '' Dude'' ....
'' Or you can also face the fact'' says another one.
Face the What? Don't be silly.
So yeah , after 30 you're still scared shitless when you come back to your comfort zone and see that it's not there anymore. That all you thought you were , you no longer are.
SO you still drink yourself silly, eat yourself crazy to forget that how painful that all is. And how scared you are to re build it all.
But after 30 you know , somewhere deep inside that it's all bullshit. And guess what? It's YOUR bullshit.
There is no one and nothing else to blame for it ( Not even a little bit? NO.)
So you just shut up deal with it.
Painful? Tell ME about it.
So, until there is an App to deal with that I will look after my 20 year olds .
And until I can do it myself I will need my 20 year olds to help me move to my life ... 2.1
In the mean time you can still follow me on Twitter, Dude.
You know ,